sufficient for me

Today, I heard my Pastor's heart. He was crying out about his adopted daughter's situation. She has been battling addiction issues, and came home this past weekend, after having disappeared for months. He was sharing his grief and relief that she was admitted to the hospital for withdrawal reasons. I felt his pain as a father, but also hers as an addict. I realized that this addiction issue must be overcome, or I would only continue hurting my loved ones as well as myself.

Relapse is a part of recovery. I heard that on a Christian talk radio show. They said it was one of Alcoholics Anonymous' main mantras. That statement fulfilled it's purpose, it liberated my thinking. I realized that the negative self-talk was crushing me more than the stumbling. That I could do what I resolved: live despite dying. I believe you didn't consciously try to crush me, but crushed I was. Trying to be un-crushed caused only mutual destruction, and we should no longer allow that.

What we had was and is special, but no longer achievable. We cannot fight any longer, there will be no winner. This pain will continue to fade- as long as I continue to claim the promise of overcoming.  I can do ALL things through Christ who strengthens me.

It caught me before I could release it last Sunday.

Psalm 15:1-5 NLT Who may worship in your sanctuary, LORD? Who may enter your presence on your holy hill? Those who lead blameless lives and do what is right, speaking the truth from sincere hearts. Those who refuse to gossip or harm their neighbors or speak evil of their friends. Those who despise flagrant sinners, and honor the faithful followers of the LORD, and keep their promises even when it hurts. Those who lend money without charging interest, and who cannot be bribed to lie about the innocent. Such people will stand firm forever. So phase one of out proposed 'open' friendship? No more hiding. Phone calls, video

Strings n chains

Father, if he is the man for me then why does there have to be so many strings attached, pulling him in so many directions... Away from me.
If we are suppose to be together then why can't we make it work? Why is it so painful? Why bring him back into my life only to let him walk out again. I know there has to be a reason for your handy work. I just wish I could see a caption when it is so hard to hear you, especially right now.

If this is not of your hand then give me strength to reject it completely. But if it is fix it!

:::Lord, I believe. Please help my unbelief. :::

Your orphan child.

F.R.E.E.D. Radical!

Thank God, that in Jesus' Name, today I can finally claim - I am FREE!  I have been delivered, the yoke of bondage has been broken off of my life, and I now pledge to walk in that grace and freedom!
What is a freed radical?  Well let's start by explaining what a free radical is:


According to wiki: ( http://en.m.wikipedia.org/wiki/Macrophage ):
" Hide In biology
Free radicals play an important role in a number of biological processes. Some of these are necessary for life, such as the intracellular killing of bacteria by phagocytic cells such as granulocytes and macrophages. Researchers have also implicated free radicals in certain cell signalling processes. [6] This is dubbed redox signaling.
The two most important oxygen-centered free radicals are superoxide and hydroxyl radical. They derive from molecular oxygen under reducing conditions. However, because of their reactivity, these same free radicals can participate in unwanted side reactions resulting in cell damage. Excessive amounts of these free radicals can lead to cell injury and death, which may contribute to many diseases such as cancer, stroke, myocardial infarction, diabetes and major disorders. [7] Many forms of cancer are thought to be the result of reactions between free radicals and DNA. Potnetially resulting in mutations that can adversely affect the cell cycle and potentially lead to malignancy [8] . Some of the symptoms of aging such as atherosclerosis are also attributed to free-radical induced oxidation of many of the chemicals making up the body. [citation needed] In addition free radicals contribute to alcohol-induced liver damage, perhaps more than alcohol itself. Radicals in cigarette smoke are implicated in inactivation of alpha 1-antitrypsin in the lung. This process promotes the development of emphysema.
Free radicals may also be involved in Parkinson's disease, senile and drug-induced deafness, schizophrenia, and Alzheimer's [9] . The classic free-radical syndrome, the iron-storage disease hemochromatosis, is typically associated with a constellation of free-radical-related symptoms including movement disorder, psychosis, skin pigmentary melanin abnormalities, deafness, arthritis, and diabetes mellitus. The free radical theory of aging proposes that free radicals underlie the aging process itself. Similarly, the process of mitohormesis suggests that repeated exposure to free radicals may extend life span.
Because free radicals are necessary for life, the body has a number of mechanisms to minimize free-radical-induced damage and to repair damage that occurs, such as the enzymes superoxide dismutase, catalase, glutathione peroxidase and glutathione reductase. In addition, antioxidants play a key role in these defense mechanisms. These are often the three vitamins, vitamin A, vitamin C and vitamin E and polyphenol antioxidants. Further, there is good evidence bilirubin and uric acid can act as antioxidants to help neutralize certain free radicals. Bilirubin comes from the breakdown of red blood cells' contents, while uric acid is a breakdown product of purines. Too much bilirubin, though, can lead to jaundice, which could eventually damage the central nervous system, while too much uric acid causes gout. [10]
Reactive oxygen species
Reactive oxygen species or ROSs are species such as superoxide, hydrogen peroxide, and hydroxyl radical and are associated with cell damage. ROSs form as a natural by-product of the normal metabolism of oxygen and have important roles in cell signaling.
↑Jump back a section
Hide Loose definition of radicals
In most fields of chemistry, the historical definition of radicals contends that the molecules have nonzero spin. However in fields including spectroscopy, chemical reaction, and astrochemistry, the definition is slightly different. Gerhard Herzberg, who won the Nobel prize for his research into the electron structure and geometry of radicals, suggested a looser definition of free radicals: "any transient (chemically unstable) species (atom, molecule, or ion)" [11] . The main point of his suggestion is that there are many chemically unstable molecules that have zero spin, such as C 2 , C 3 , CH 2 and so on. This definition is more convenient for discussions of transient chemical processes and astrochemistry; therefore researchers in these fields prefer to use this loose definition. [12] "
In a more loose definition, free radicals are necessary, but unstable components of the body that cause harm to the body.  I remember there being a host of commercials touting the benefits of vitamins or supplements that if taken, would negate the effects of these destructive forces (eg.: vitamins A,C,E,S).




It was while I was serving the Lord and my  community as a Youth Minister, that I was inspired to start an organization called: F.R.E.E.D. Radicals.  The descriptions fit the young men I mentored.  They were a part of the body, but apart from it.  I watched, angrily, as the same scene was repeated before me.  The 'riff-raff' would be drawn to church - compelled, even by workers like myself.  The establishment would then to their best to make the youth unwelcome -  they were viewed as threats.  The question I asked whenever an evangelistic campaign was announced was:  What do we do when we get them here?  I got no reply except from the Lord - they had to be discipled prior to assimilation into the established group.


I resolved to implement small groups in the community.  We accepted anyone who showed up (some showed only for the free pizza and sodas), and soon the natural leaders formed their own sub groups.  I even started chapters in several youth facilities (we had 53 baptisms in one service).  The gang mentality was being channeled, and utilized for Christ's Church!  


Forgiven - for·give - verb (used with object) -gave -given -giving
1. to grant pardon for or to
2. to cancel (a debt)
3. to cease to feel angry at or for
- verb (used without object) -gave -given -giving 4. to grant pardon
Redeemed - re·deem - verb (used with object)
1. to pay off
2. to recover
3. to fulfill
4. to deliver from sin by sacrifice
Educated - ed·u·cate - verb (used with object) -cated -cating
1. to develop the mind and abilities of
2. to provide with training or information
- Related Forms ed·u·ca·tion·al - adjective ed·u·ca·tion - noun pre·ed·u·cate - verb (used with object)
Enlightened - en·light·en - verb (used with object)
1. to give understanding to
2. to free of ignorance
- Related Forms well-en·light·ened - adjective en·light·en·ing·ly - adverb pre·en·light·en·er - noun re·en·light·en - verb (used with object)
Discipled (or disciplined) - dis·ci·pline - noun
1. training to act in accordance with rules 2. behavior in accord with rules of conduct
3. branch of learning
4. punishment
- verb (used with object) -plined -plining 5. to train by instruction and exercise
6. to bring under control
7. to punish
RADICAL - rad·i·cal - adjective
1. favoring drastic reforms
2. basic - noun
3. person with radical ideas
4. atom or group of atoms behaving as a unit
(definitions provided by dictionary.com)
Last night, instead of the regular service, my church hosted a free viewing of the movie: Courageous. Watching that movie brought it all home for me - this is what my life is to be about: His service.
I had walked away from the ministry, bitter and angry.  I felt like I was alone and that others wanted my vision to die.  I never considered that it was me that God wanted dead.  I retreated to the vomit I was cleaned from, but He never let me go too far.
Yesterday, my second eldest daughter turned eighteen.  Her mother's nickname for her - Mimi, seemed so appropriate yesterday (it reminded me of Mariah Carey's album: The Emancipation of Mimi).  The real truth though, is that I have been set free. 
I spent those eighteen years attempting to right the situation and be as good a father as I was capable - and it was an unpaid, thankless job.  I was crippled by emotional baggage as well as spiritual bondage - until yesterday.  I recommend everyone watch that movie - it is definitely scriptural, and life changing.
So now, I take up my cross, and put my hand permanently on the plow, knowing there is no more going back for me.


Loving only you, my Lord,
Loving only you, my Lord
Loving only you, my Lord
With no looking back
My hand its on the plow, my Lord
I cannot turn back now, my Lord
Before your throne I bow, my Lord
With no looking back


(translated and adapted from Amarte Solo a Ti,, Senor - author unknown)

Woke up with songs on my lips

Is He all to me?

Matthew 12: 43-45
But when the unclean spirit has gone out of a man, it roams through dry [arid] places in search of rest, but it does not find any.  Then it says, I will go back to my house from which I came out. And when it arrives, it finds the place unoccupied, swept, put in order,  and  decorated.  Then it goes and brings with it seven other spirits more wicked than itself, and they go in and make their home there. And the last condition of that man becomes worse than the first. So also shall it be with this wicked generation.




As I observed what was being drawn out of her, I reflected on what comes out of me.  In an effort to have her understand what she was undergoing,  I revealed to her my most intimate struggles.  Nothing before its time, right?  Wrong.   There never is a perfect time to be obedient to the Holy Spirit, and there never is a cost to count or a loss to consider.

We are over comers by the Blood of the Lamb, and the word of our testimony.   We are uniquely prepared by our free will choices, His divine plan for our lives, and His Amazing Grace!  How can we hide so precious a treasure, so brilliant a light, and so incredible a talent - when that is our only purpose in this life?

The Road Not Taken

TWO roads diverged in a yellow wood, 

And sorry I could not travel both And be one traveler,long 

I stood And looked down one as far as I could 

To where it bent in the undergrowth;

Then took the other,as just as fair, 

And having perhaps the better claim, 

Because it was grassy and wanted wear; 

Though as for that the passing there 

Had worn them really about the same,

And both that morning equally lay 

In leaves no step had trodden black. 

Oh,I kept the first for another day! 

Yet knowing how way leads on to way, 

I doubted if I should ever come back.

I shall be telling this with a sigh 

Somewhere ages and ages hence: 

Two roads diverged in a wood,and 

I—I took the one less traveled by, 

And that has made all the difference.

Robert Frost (1874–1963). Mountain Interval. 1920.

I was never a scholar of poetry.  I believed I was and am a poet, but was never interested in reading other writers' works.  That poem, however, resonated in me subconsciously, for most of my life.  I must have read it somewhere, and even got the last part wrong: 'and that has made all the difference in the world'.

When she first appeared in my life, I began to have that poem surface in my thoughts.  Dutifully,  I looked it up, examined it from all angles, and shared it with her.  She apparently skipped over it (at that time, we hurled poetry at each other - and she was not yet saved).  As she struggles with her sanctity now, the poem returns.  I love her completely, and fear her heartily. 

Sharp doesn't begin to describe her blades.  It reminds me of that movie -'ALIEN'.  As many weapons as the alien queen had in her disposal, the worst was her acidic saliva.  That burning, agonizing death is harder to imagine than any other - and when she hurts, I burn. 

I do not digress, the question remains the same - am I His?
Would she or anyone be able to affect me if I truly died to self and abided in Him?  We love each other, but our love for Him should be greater.  Our love for each other should then reflect that greater love.

The second dimension of intelligence within the heart is Love.

"Love is the power of the universe. Therefore, your greatest defense in life is to protect, honor, and respect love in its many forms. When you maintain this principle with clarity, your life purposes will come into view. This is because all of your purposes are etched in love. Love is beyond just a feeling or an orientation. It is a dimension of intelligence and purposeful living. Above all, it is the essence of beingness. A person who is operating with a commitment to purpose has higher intelligence than one who is not. A person who is operating on his true purpose is then able to assign values to life. The heart’s intelligence is cumulative. Through perceptions of unity, priorities are established. Then love assigns the purposes. Furthermore, love heightens a person’s instinct to nourish, enhance, and apply those purposes. Love is both a way of being and also a pathway for becoming. Love ignites life. Love savors life and sustains faith and hope. Even though life often brings lessons in hard packages, learning happens only when forgiveness has occurred and love is restored. It is love that ignites the learning. Only with love can learning occur. That is how you take something from the school of hard knocks and transmute it into a permanent attainment. You can then say, ‘I don’t have to do this again. I have completed the lesson. I know the meaning behind the experience.’ Love brings certainty to life, and when your love is clear and unpolluted with regrets or false desires, you will have the confidence to live your life with passion. When you are certain of your love, there will be fuel for passion. With passion, there will be fuel for life. Meditate upon love as the power of your beingness and the essence of who you really are. Earnestly apply its principles and you will be successful in love and life."

“Love Without End Jesus Speaks” by Glenda Green, Chapter 7 p. 183-184

Asked and answered

Last night, my Pastor preached on:

2 Corinthians 6:11-18 GNT

Dear friends in Corinth! We have spoken frankly to you; we have opened our hearts wide.  It is not we who have closed our hearts to you; it is you who have closed your hearts to us.  I speak now as though you were my children: show us the same feelings that we have for you. Open your hearts wide!
Do not try to work together as equals with unbelievers, for it cannot be done. How can right and wrong be partners? How can light and darkness live together?  How can Christ and the Devil agree? What does a believer have in common with an unbeliever?  How can God's temple come to terms with pagan idols? For we are the temple of the living God! As God himself has said,

“I will make my home with my people

and live among them;

I will be their God,

and they shall be my people.” And so the Lord says,

“You must leave them

and separate yourselves from them.

Have nothing to do with what is unclean,

and I will accept you.
I will be your father,

and you shall be my sons and daughters,

says the Lord Almighty.”

Two things stood out last night.  The first was that he read from a similar translation to what I just used (as opposed to KJV).  The second was that he kept mentioning false Boaz along with false idols.  I paid keen attention because of all that happened to me these last few days. 

Thinking about what you said - I caused you to stumble, and what I did - Imade you an idol, made me realize God had something to say about the matter.   I thought about how I helped nurture you back to sanity.  Of all the assurances I gave and the promises we made.  Then I thought of Ruth and Boaz - how he came to her rescue.  His motivation was to help his kinsman, and while I felt I was doing the same - i guess we're not kinsmen (related).

You should watch 'The Notebook'.

Today though, I thought of their kinsman - their grandson, David. 

In 2Samuel 11 & 12, the story of David in the height of his sin against God. God shows his love for David by sending Samuel to deal with David. He reminds David that David has all he wants and needs. That if David was even greedy for more, he only had to ask God, and it would be done. Instead, David stole what he wanted, and killed the rightful owner to cover up the crime. I too, like David, am a friend of God. The one great difference - i have David's example, and therefore no excuse for my actions.